a few last words

LIFE...

I came here to ramble about what my life really means—

Exactly what is the meaning of life? Dictionary.com seems to have multiple answers to that question. To give an example, LIFE means “the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual.” That may be the definition of LIFE, but what does the phrase “I have no life.” interpreting?

I myself question about the meaning of that phrase a lot. A person can say that another may have no life just because they don’t have much to do in their everyday lives. But if every minute and every second counts as a life, does anyone really have a ‘life’. We dont have to do something awesome every spec of time, but does that mean we dont have a life? Seems like everyone is so adapt to having fun everyday that they take ‘loneliness’ for granted. I on the other hand take time to myself to think about what this life of mine means.

What is the meaning of my very existance? Am I here to just fill a gap of this big circle of humans? Does my life have any meaning? I think about this a lot lately. Everyone around me seems to focus on having fun while I lie in bed thinking to myself why the fuck I am here. To me my life doesn’t really have a meaning nor do I think I have a purpose to be in this world.

My “life” consists of nothing but dark hazy mists that do nothing but fill my life with lots of downfalls, failures, depression and sadness. On the outside, I seem so happy but when it comes to being alone, that’s really all I have. If from the very beginning, my own father didn’t want me, why would God let me live and gave me this ‘life’ thats full of darkness. Right now, I don’t see any potential in me to become something great. Something that will one day help this world become better. Isn’t that the whole point of humans repoducing? For the next generation to make a more wonderful world for the future. I see myself lacking in that part. I don’t have any talent or the brain to create a future. My life right now is sinking deeper in the mist as everyday passes. And what about those relationships with others? What are their purposes?

Love, Friendship, Family…Someone tell me what those are because I really don’t understand them. When you’re younger, teachers would ask about your family, asking you to create a family tree to present in front of your fellow classmates. For me, I never made one. I don’t know who exists beyond my grandmother who’s still alive living in the Philippines. I’ve never met my grandfather for he died before I was born. I seem to have a lot of grandmothers from my mother’s side but I never really understood why that was. My parents didn’t talk to me about my family. I don’t know who my ancestors were and I will never know because this so-called relationship that families are supposed to have doesn’t exist in my world. Friendship…I think I have that but what does it mean?

Does friendship mean that if a person has interaction with others mean that they’re friends? Some say friends are people who you can count on anytime, any day of the week. Well I seem to find that hard to believe. Those people I call friends live their own lives, and why should they stop living their lives to listen about mine? Sometimes when i’m in dire need of a friend, no ones there to fill that. You might say I have bad choice in friends, but I believe others are just too busy to care. But there is always one person who can fill that need…

Yes, im talking about that relationship with that certain someone. Everyone tries to find love in this world, but does such a thing exist? Love means “a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.” If love exists, why do humans cheat on each other, beat each other to death, and sell their bodies for money. No im not talking about whores you find in the street…i mean why do people find the need to become gold diggers? I myself want to be in a relationship so I can have someone to be there for me whenever I need him. Someone to share everything with, without being judged or get shoved away for expressing feelings that need to be told. But when you have that someone, he/she has the greatest impact in your lifestyle. You provide so much for that person and yet he/she can easily break you into peices in an instant if he/she wants. Love, its a pathetic mask that people use to hide their flaws and insecurities. Everyone’s scared of being alone and so they create this field called LOVE in order to survive in this world.

But me, I think I don’t need it. All these lies, broken/unfulfilled promises, meaningless words spoken, etc just keeps piling up in little dark clouds. These clouds disappear once in a while but they just come back when those keep piling up.

It never ends, so this life is sadly being wasted on me…I’m ready for what God has in store for me, hopefully this time its a life worth actually living.

I’ve rambled on too much. I don’t even know if it made any sense. Just something to remind myself in the near future, if there even is a future.